Wenger Giant Swiss Army Knife

The American Army has its bunker-busters and fuel-air devices. The British Army has the Challenger 2 on the ground and the Typhoon for air cover. The Swiss Army has the Wenger Giant Swiss Army Knife, a weapon of Mass... umm... Mass... err... A Weapon of Mass.

In all our years of lab testing the world's most inventive devices, there's little we haven't seen, haven't destroyed and haven't taken home to try out on our little brothers. And then there came this titan. This behemoth. This £500 piece of precision Swiss engineering that makes that posh watch of yours look like mere bagatelle.

Permit us to explain. The Wenger Giant Swiss Army Knife - note the use of the word 'Giant' - has no fewer than 85 implements capable of performing over 100 separate functions, from scaling fish to fixing bicycles. All of which makes it impossibly useful. Want a laser flashlight? No problem. Torch? Can do. Universal Wrench? Yup. Golf divot repair tool? Si. Double-cut wood saw? Uh-huh. And so it goes. On and on and on and on. There's almost no indoor our outdoor emergency which could not be tackled with this comprehensive if somewhat unwieldy device.

But who cares? For even if all it does is sit ceremonially on your mantelpiece next to a bar of Toblerone and a signed photo of Swiss Toni as a tribute to all things Swiss, you will have achieved greatness, my son.